How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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