just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
