I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
