Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
