its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
