Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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