my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
