just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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