When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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