Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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