eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
