Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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