i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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