I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
