I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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