the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
