So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
handjob tips. give me some.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
