I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
