I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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