Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
