o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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