I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
