Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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