Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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