Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
