Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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