Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
