One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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