He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
