i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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