she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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