How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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