Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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