he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
