nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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