You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
