It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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