I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
