Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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