wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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