She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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