So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i've created a new STD.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
