i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
