Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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