Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me