thus making me awesome and them whores
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities