Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why are you drunk at the library?