i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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