Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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