This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
