Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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