Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
