Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
