I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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