fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
