my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
