bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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