I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
