My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
