ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My vagina is officially offended.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
