i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
