OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
