Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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