i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
