I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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